Monthly Favourites - May 2018

Dear Friends,

It feels like forever ago that I sent my last letter, although in actual fact it has only been a week, I have missed it and you. If you follow me on my social media, you can find the links to my Twitter and Instagram below, you will know that I took some time away for my mental health. A time I really need to recuperate - physically too exhausted to be anywhere but my bed. However, this new letter is not going to be about that, it's going to be about things I have really loved this month.

The first on the list is the movie The Martian, (adapted from the fantastic novel by Andy Weir) directed by Ridley Scott and starring Matt Damon. A rediscovered love that was available on Netflix for a short time. During a storm on the surface of Mars the crew of Ares lll, a few days into their mission, are forced to evacuate the area and head home. In the confusion astronaut Mark Watney is struck by debris and separated from the crew. With a reasonable belief that their friend is dead, with a heavy heart, the Ares lll crew leave Mars reluctantly. Shortly after NASA announces the unfortunate death of Watney. However, Mark wakes several hours later, injured but very much alive. With no way to contact Earth, a limited food supply and a lot of disco music, Watney must survive until rescued or the next mission to Mars. In short - the film is great it is tense/funny/smart/scary/dramatic all rolled into one. If you enjoy a good drama or Scifi - watch it! Or, like me, rediscover it.

To fill the void of The Martian being taken off Netflix, I searched through the website for something new, finding Love in the Moonlight. An 18 part Kdrama where a young woman has been forced to live as a man, who somehow manages to land herself in the palace of the King, posing as a eunuch during the first episode. If the truth is discovered she will be executed. I've binge-watched this series over the past week, it is genuinely funny (dramatic in later episodes) and I can't wait to see how it ends. 

Zoella, or Zoe Sugg, is one of the "heavyweight" Youtubers on the website. I've been a subscriber of her for a long time, but much like my rediscovery of The Martian, I've found comfort and entertainment in her vlogging channel. Although not a "traditional" daily vlogger, Zoe films a few days at a time, usually a week, and posts them as one video. I enjoy longer videos, so her long vlogs are definitely up my alley, where she talks about a number of topics. Sugg is someone I find it easy to admire, as a fellow sufferer of anxiety, she just keeps on going. Something that is more challenging than it sounds. If you haven't heard of Zoe (where have you been?!) I'll leave her links down below! I personally recommend her video "All the emotions".

As many of you know, I don't dress for the weight I am, deciding to buy clothes for when I'm thinner. Something I will be changing next month. One of the websites I've loved browsing is a website named Lonleyteez, a fashion site that stocks mainly t-shirts, hoodies, jumpers and a little bit of swimwear. It has a really great variety of styles, such as Americana, quotes, back to school, LGBT and many other collections. The company is something I've been following for a long time, the owner/designer/all-around boss lady is a personal friend of mine, so I've loved watching her empire grow. 

Find all links for my favourites below, all opinions are my own, remember to leave comments on what you guys have loved this month.

As always,
Love Mavis x

The Martian
The Martian DVD
The Martian Novel
Andy Weir Twitter
Ridley Scott Twitter

Love in the Moonlight
It's available on Netflix

Zoella
Vlogging Channel
Main Channel
Instagram
Twitter
Preorder Cordially Invited

Lonelyteez
Lonelyteez Wesbite
Instagram

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Appreciation, Depression and Stay Positive

Dear Friends,

Admittedly this letter was meant to be about roller derby, about the rules/gameplay etc, featuring a photo of me posing in my brand new skates. I stood up with confidence this morning then, almost immediately, I went A over T. I know what you guys are thinking, I am very graceful almost ballerina-like, also is there photographic evidence? Thankfully there isn't, just a slight bruise to my ego and kneecap. Wear kneepads guys! What I want this letter to be about is all of you, an appreciation post to the Project Mavis community and the people in my life.

Those of you who read my last letter know that I was struggling with my depression, frustrated at the inconsistency of the illness and unsure of what a new day would bring. A post that received a lot of attention via Instagram followers, strangers, to old friends reaching out and getting in touch. One of the things about this illness, among a crap tornado of other issues, is how the feeling of loneliness is constant. Even if you are surrounded by all of you closest friends, it can be hard to talk or stop feeling like a burden to those around you.

What I'm trying to say is that I really appreciated the support from you all, that it felt like I wasn't lost in the room full of familiar faces, it felt more like a hug. I'm still feeling low, but it doesn't feel like the world is ending, or that I will never feel happy again. Just feeling a little worn out. If you guys know of someone who is going through a difficult patch, depression or not, reach out to them and say you're there if they want to talk. A little love goes a long way - something I learnt the hard way.

Anyway, I'm going to buy some kneepads, have a bath and a face mask, Again thank you.

Love always,
Mavis x

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Stuck

Dear Friends,

Today is going to be as short and sweet post. I'm in bed right now, writing this post on my phone, with Hocus Pocus playing in the background. I've been feeling a little stuck of what to write this week, wondering what you guys want to read if you'll find something interesting. My levels have not been good either, depression sucks and its inconsistency is infuriating. Today won't last forever, this feeling will fade and I'll be able to function as a regular human being. However, sometimes all you can do is wade it out. Speak soon and have a good weekend.

Love From,
Mavis x

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Blogging and Designing

Dear Friends,

I think it's time for a makeover, not mine, but the website of Project Mavis. Since starting this site, just under a month ago, it's been a learning curve. I've never been that savvy when it comes to site building, even when it comes to "Pre-packaged" version like Blogger designs, learning how to better myself and do things that I am proud of.

I'm am not proud of the design of its site, it's not exactly user-friendly or that pretty to look at. If you guys want to change any, as always, let me know in the comments or tweet/Instagram me. Would also appreciate any tech advice!

Love From,
Mavis x

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Making Progress

Dear Friends,

This is going to be a short and sweet update. My brother is waiting for me to watch the next WestWorld episode! Anybody else watching this? During the past few days, I've made some progress with my bucket list: I've registered as an organ donor, RSVP to an Oxfordshire based book club and to a writers club. Both of which I'll be attending this month! Sorted out a new stills camera and started making plans for a youtube channel (I'm thinking about vlogging). No updates from the jobs I applied for, although the closing day for applications is today, so keep your fingers crossed! 

Even though this is a fraction of progress, compared to the whole picture, I'm feeling positive and happier. Almost like the things I want to achieve in life aren't that far from my grasp. Project Mavis has officially hit 1000 views as of yesterday! Some of you coming from Brazil, USA, Ireland, France among others. So really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.I'm still thinking of doing an online book club, what are your guys' thoughts, give me name ideas and books to read.

For now,
Love From,
Mavis xx

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A Project Mavis Bookclub?

Dear friends,

This week has been a bit of a wash, I've been ill since Monday, which means there hasn't been much progress with my bucket list. My days have been filled with sleeping a lot, watching lets plays on YouTube and catching up on Rupauls Drag Race Season 10. Also missing out on a couple of shifts at my bar job, which I'm keen to get back to on Saturday.

I've been thinking about book clubs recently, as many of you know its number 50 on my bucket list, also finding a way to interact with you guys on a real level. Many of you who read this blog come from different countries, even as far as Peru, which means being able to socialise with each other isn't the easiest of ideas.

Which is where the idea of the Project Mavis Book Club came up, working title as I'm not that narcissistic, where we could maybe create a page on here, (or something similar) nominate books and discuss them together . If you guys have any ideas, would like to join, have book ideas, or a better name let me know! You can comment below as always, find me here on twitter and here on Instagram.

I think it'd be a cool idea!

As always,
Love from Mavis x

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Avengers: Infinity war, Adoption & PCOS

Dear Friends,

It’s been two weeks since I’ve started writing letters to you all and over that time something unexpected has happened. I’ve been consistently happier an unpredicted but welcome feeling. I’m also pretty excited as I write this, in about three hours; I’m going to see Avengers: Infinity War with (blog regular) Hannah and our other friend Daryl. However, this is not going to be a love letter to Thor or about how much I want to hug Groot. If you guys want me to review it leave a comment. Today, as always, is going to be about the future. Specifically number 5 of my bucket list, which is “Adopt a child by 35”, one of the core reasons I decided to change the path of my life.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, if you were to present me with my child right now I’d be ready, although certainly nowhere where I want to be in life but I’d make it work. At the age of fourteen, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, PCOS for short, which has a detrimental effect on my hormones and downsizes the chances of having a biological child. This might be a little TMI but: I have had one period this year (irregular at that), I grow a lot of facial hair, I have thinning hair and it makes it difficult to lose weight. In all, it sucks and isn’t the greatest when it comes to body positivity.

Throughout my journey with fertility issues I came to a realisation, a personal choice that comes with no judgement of other people’s decision, which is having a biological child doesn’t matter to me. I want to be able to make a child happier, feel stable and loved. Not for them to just rotate in and out of foster care until they are deemed “too old” for adoption. In truth I want to adopt more than one, however, that is my goal for now, to be in a position to provide a good home for them.

As I write this I wonder if my son or daughter has already been born, or one day they will find this post and read it. If you are my future child/children I just want to say, as I write this, I love you already and I can’t wait for us to meet each other. I don’t know your story yet, what happened or what your birth family is like, but I wanted you more than words can say. Although I have regrets in my life, you will never ever be one of them and you continue to make me proud. Your nanny is excited to take you on adventures and spoil you. “It’s a nanny’s perogative”- she said.

With that I’m going to end this letter here, if you are new welcome, you can find translate on the sidebar if your first language is not English. You can also find me here on twitter and here for Instagram.

As always,

Love from

Mavis x    

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Updates & Depression

Dear friends,

In the past ten days, since I posted my first letter on Project Mavis, a few things have happened: I went to the gym today, I lost 3lbs, sent a job application to a publishing house and attempted to make sushi with my friend Amy. Who took the very beautiful photo of the sushi ingredients and you can follow her Instagram here. Finally the little community we built has reached over 700 views!

Over the past few days I’ve been more honest with the people I know, about subjects I felt ashamed by, one of which was about mental health and my experiences with it. Which is what I want to talk to you about today, as feeling shame about a disease (invisible to the eye or not) is something I shouldn’t have felt, or you either.  

In 2014 I moved to London, shortly after a bereavement, wanting to start my life afresh (in hindsight I was probably running away). I got job at well known cinema and was later moved to a coffee shop concession due to my hard work. I loved it. I can’t pinpoint a moment in time when depression started intruding in my life, it crept up on me slowly, I was tired all the time and would routinely begin crying for no reason. I do remember being in a house wares store, walking happily along with my trolley, a moment later feeling like I was dying. I was experiencing my first panic attack, with strangers around me, wishing there was a magic door to transport me to my mother.

A little further into the year I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I remember feeling so weak, angry I would have to take medication and start a course of therapy. Eventually stopping both of these, without the consent of the doctor and all at once. An action that caused my emotional levels to plummet and led to a short visit to a psychiatric facility. NEVER STOP YOUR MEDICATION WITHOUT SPEAKING TO YOUR DOCTOR!

I had attempted my own life, after having a particularly good day, scared of what the next day would bring. I distinctly remember being more upset about being in hospital than the actions I had taken. Realising how bad I had allowed myself to become, the exhaustion and the work ahead of me. The worst moment seeing the scared look on my mother’s face. The next few years were hard work and still be can be. However there has not been a day since that I am not greatful I was unsuccessful on that night. Imagine all the things would have missed, the friends I wouldn’t have made and the family I would have Left.

If you are having concerns, about your own mental health or a loved one, check out the nhs link below. If you are from another country please leave the crisis line to your country in the comments.

Love from,

Mavis x

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

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A Weighty Problem

Dear Friends,

I’ve decided to write your letter outside today, it feels like summer has finally arrived in the UK, I’m sitting in the garden with a pint of water and eating dried apricots. Despite the beautiful weather I’m feeling a little nervous, even though I knew I’d have to approach this subject at some point, today I want to talk about my weight. Number 1 on my Grand to do List, which you can find here, is to reach my goal weight. At the moment I weigh 21stone 5lbs or 301lbs/136kg, which at 5’2 is nowhere close to what I should weigh for my height, which is certainly not the greatest of numbers.

I remember weighing myself in Boots, seeing the number, my stomach dropping and my cheeks burning red with embarrassment. I felt so ashamed, suddenly aware of how my body moved, realising what I had done to my small frame. I was numb from shock, wondering how I had let it get so far and feeling so scared by the work ahead of me. I could write thousands of excuses here but the reality is I did this to myself – no one else.

 

The fact of the matter is yes I am fat, that isn’t going to change overnight, not matter how hard I wish it to be different. It’s going to take a lot of: hard work, time and patience. It would be a lie to say I’m not daunted by that, because of course I am, but I’m ready to not be overweight anymore.

For now,

Love from

Mavis x
 
P.S Follow me on Instagram here or Twitter here

 

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Greetings and Salutations

Dear friends,

I’m writing this in the style of a letter because I like to imagine we’re pen pals. You’ve received an envelope in the morning post, opening it over breakfast or on your way to work/college/school, it’s a note from me introducing myself for the first time. An idea I got from the Stephen Chbosky novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

So you can call me Mavis, it’s not my real name of course but a blog called Project Hannah didn’t exactly have the same ring to it, a nickname given to me by my older sister. I’m twenty-eight-years-old, currently living with my mum in a farming village in the south-east of England, working part-time in a local pub in the town over from me. Like a lot of people, whether my age or not, my life has not exactly gone in the direction I had planned. When I was young I thought I would be: living in my own flat in the city, maybe working my way up in a publishing company, having reached my goal weight and finishing yet another novel.

Instead, I’m overweight, sitting on my mum’s sofa in my pyjamas, with several unfinished books on my laptop and wondering where all the time went. I have a good life in other parts, with: a roof over my head, great friends, the best family and a job that doesn’t make me cry. It’s just...I want more. I want to look back when I’m old, obviously getting up to mischief in the retirement village, being able to think over my life and say “I tried my best and lived it well”. Nothing too extravagant...just enough.

With that in mind, today on the 13^th of April 2018, I sat and wrote down the first 20 things I wanted to change and achieve in the next few years. Vowing to make myself my own personal project. Simple things like: learn how to drive, travel, lose weight, start and maintain a blog. If you are in the same boat and fancy reading along please subscribe. Write back to me in the comments or follow me on my social media profiles. For now,

Love From,

Mavis x 

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