Appreciation, Depression and Stay Positive

Dear Friends,

Admittedly this letter was meant to be about roller derby, about the rules/gameplay etc, featuring a photo of me posing in my brand new skates. I stood up with confidence this morning then, almost immediately, I went A over T. I know what you guys are thinking, I am very graceful almost ballerina-like, also is there photographic evidence? Thankfully there isn't, just a slight bruise to my ego and kneecap. Wear kneepads guys! What I want this letter to be about is all of you, an appreciation post to the Project Mavis community and the people in my life.

Those of you who read my last letter know that I was struggling with my depression, frustrated at the inconsistency of the illness and unsure of what a new day would bring. A post that received a lot of attention via Instagram followers, strangers, to old friends reaching out and getting in touch. One of the things about this illness, among a crap tornado of other issues, is how the feeling of loneliness is constant. Even if you are surrounded by all of you closest friends, it can be hard to talk or stop feeling like a burden to those around you.

What I'm trying to say is that I really appreciated the support from you all, that it felt like I wasn't lost in the room full of familiar faces, it felt more like a hug. I'm still feeling low, but it doesn't feel like the world is ending, or that I will never feel happy again. Just feeling a little worn out. If you guys know of someone who is going through a difficult patch, depression or not, reach out to them and say you're there if they want to talk. A little love goes a long way - something I learnt the hard way.

Anyway, I'm going to buy some kneepads, have a bath and a face mask, Again thank you.

Love always,
Mavis x

0

Stuck

Dear Friends,

Today is going to be as short and sweet post. I'm in bed right now, writing this post on my phone, with Hocus Pocus playing in the background. I've been feeling a little stuck of what to write this week, wondering what you guys want to read if you'll find something interesting. My levels have not been good either, depression sucks and its inconsistency is infuriating. Today won't last forever, this feeling will fade and I'll be able to function as a regular human being. However, sometimes all you can do is wade it out. Speak soon and have a good weekend.

Love From,
Mavis x

1

Blogging and Designing

Dear Friends,

I think it's time for a makeover, not mine, but the website of Project Mavis. Since starting this site, just under a month ago, it's been a learning curve. I've never been that savvy when it comes to site building, even when it comes to "Pre-packaged" version like Blogger designs, learning how to better myself and do things that I am proud of.

I'm am not proud of the design of its site, it's not exactly user-friendly or that pretty to look at. If you guys want to change any, as always, let me know in the comments or tweet/Instagram me. Would also appreciate any tech advice!

Love From,
Mavis x

0

Making Progress

Dear Friends,

This is going to be a short and sweet update. My brother is waiting for me to watch the next WestWorld episode! Anybody else watching this? During the past few days, I've made some progress with my bucket list: I've registered as an organ donor, RSVP to an Oxfordshire based book club and to a writers club. Both of which I'll be attending this month! Sorted out a new stills camera and started making plans for a youtube channel (I'm thinking about vlogging). No updates from the jobs I applied for, although the closing day for applications is today, so keep your fingers crossed! 

Even though this is a fraction of progress, compared to the whole picture, I'm feeling positive and happier. Almost like the things I want to achieve in life aren't that far from my grasp. Project Mavis has officially hit 1000 views as of yesterday! Some of you coming from Brazil, USA, Ireland, France among others. So really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.I'm still thinking of doing an online book club, what are your guys' thoughts, give me name ideas and books to read.

For now,
Love From,
Mavis xx

0

Travelling With My First Best Friend

Dear Friends,

One of my first best friends was my sister Charlotte, she’s pretty awesome. One of my earliest memories of her was when she played her music in her room. Things like Alicia’s attic, Gangsters paradise, All Saints and The Police. I remember sitting on the floor looking at her posters and thinking how unattainably cool my big sister is. A thought I still harbour in private and now on this blog. Before our father passed away, Charlotte has also been another parent, something I appreciate more now that I am older. She was at my first ballet performance, bought toys into the hospital when I had an epileptic seizure, encouraged my writing, supported me through university and was there at my graduation. Like I said, my sister is pretty bomb.

I hated it when she went to university, sometimes I would sit on her bed and cry because I missed her so much. We became pen pals, she wrote about all her adventures in London, about the friends she made and places she went. London felt worlds apart to the little village we grew up in. The first trip I was allowed to go on (by myself) was to go visit her. I carried my suitcase to school and was allowed to leave early to catch my train, skipping excitedly down to the station with mum. I walked through the school gates, thinking (slightly smugly) that I was going on a train on by myself, to visit my big sister in the capital.

My sister and I still go on little adventures, from spending weekends away, to places like Paris and festivals to just having the day together. Just us. I like those days. Ever since Paris, our first trip abroad together, we’re spoken/daydreamed about touring other countries together. Places like Norway to see the aurora borealis, walk part of the Great Wall of China, trek through Peru to the lost city of Macau Picchu and all the other parts of the world we want to see together.

At the end of the year, November specifically, Charlotte and I will be going to Brussels. We’re already making a mental list of places we want to see and food we want to try. It’ll only be for a few days, but I’m excited to travel again, with a person who is not only family but continues to be one of my best friends.

If you have any recommendations for us, leave a comment or follow me on Twitter or Instagram!

Love always,

Mavis x

0

Updates & Depression

Dear friends,

In the past ten days, since I posted my first letter on Project Mavis, a few things have happened: I went to the gym today, I lost 3lbs, sent a job application to a publishing house and attempted to make sushi with my friend Amy. Who took the very beautiful photo of the sushi ingredients and you can follow her Instagram here. Finally the little community we built has reached over 700 views!

Over the past few days I’ve been more honest with the people I know, about subjects I felt ashamed by, one of which was about mental health and my experiences with it. Which is what I want to talk to you about today, as feeling shame about a disease (invisible to the eye or not) is something I shouldn’t have felt, or you either.  

In 2014 I moved to London, shortly after a bereavement, wanting to start my life afresh (in hindsight I was probably running away). I got job at well known cinema and was later moved to a coffee shop concession due to my hard work. I loved it. I can’t pinpoint a moment in time when depression started intruding in my life, it crept up on me slowly, I was tired all the time and would routinely begin crying for no reason. I do remember being in a house wares store, walking happily along with my trolley, a moment later feeling like I was dying. I was experiencing my first panic attack, with strangers around me, wishing there was a magic door to transport me to my mother.

A little further into the year I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I remember feeling so weak, angry I would have to take medication and start a course of therapy. Eventually stopping both of these, without the consent of the doctor and all at once. An action that caused my emotional levels to plummet and led to a short visit to a psychiatric facility. NEVER STOP YOUR MEDICATION WITHOUT SPEAKING TO YOUR DOCTOR!

I had attempted my own life, after having a particularly good day, scared of what the next day would bring. I distinctly remember being more upset about being in hospital than the actions I had taken. Realising how bad I had allowed myself to become, the exhaustion and the work ahead of me. The worst moment seeing the scared look on my mother’s face. The next few years were hard work and still be can be. However there has not been a day since that I am not greatful I was unsuccessful on that night. Imagine all the things would have missed, the friends I wouldn’t have made and the family I would have Left.

If you are having concerns, about your own mental health or a loved one, check out the nhs link below. If you are from another country please leave the crisis line to your country in the comments.

Love from,

Mavis x

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

2

The Bucket List

Dear Friends,

This letter is going to be a little longer than most, it’s basically a bit of a mind dump of ideas, so make sure you’ve been to the toilet and grabbed yourself a drink. The day I’m writing this the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth, the weather has gotten a little colder and it marks the day Project Mavis hit 500-page visits. A number I thought I would maybe hit by the end of the year, I’m filled with gratitude and want to thank you all for taking time to read my letters.

If you read my first post “Greetings and Salutations”, which you can find here, you will know that the idea behind the site is learning to be brave. A place I can honestly talk about the things I want to change in my life, challenge myself and hopefully interact with like-minded people. The subject of Project Mavis came up the other day; I was sitting in the park with Hannah and Cerri (two of my best friends), talking about the list I created. That, quite honestly, was not exactly measurable or really the challenge that I needed. That day, after changing into my pyjamas as the home is where the bra isn’t, I started to write a bucket list. These are the first 50 things that popped into my head.

The Bucket List

1. A healthy weight for my height (between 104lbs and 135)
2. Learn to drive and buy a car by January 2019
3. Break into publishing by the end of 2018
4. Move out of mum’s by September 2019
5. Adopt a child by 35
6. Give blood this year
7. Register as an organ donor 
8. Become certified in BSL level 1 
9. Take up roller derby
10. Learn how to snowboard 
11. Trek the Inca trail to Machu Picchu (Cerri I’m looking at you)
12. Ride in a hot air balloon in Bristol
13. Reconnect with some old friends
14. Climb table mountain
15. Actually, use my gym membership
16. Travel more with my sister Charlotte (Belgium in November!)
17. Go New York and visit the tourist destinations – flip off the Trump Tower 
18. Start dating
19. Finish a novel this year
20. Swim with manatees 
21. Go tornado chasing
22. Visit NASA – with my mum the OG nerd
23. See the Northern Lights
24. Celebrate The Day of the Dead in Mexico
25. Dress for now – not when I lose weight
26. Seek Cognitive behavioural therapy
27. Complete a full makeover
28. Learn how to play guitar
29. Go on a road trip with Josh and Amy (two of my favourite trolls)
30. Live in Vienna for a year
31. Learn how to cook Japanese cuisine 
32. Skydive – Hannah/Cerri/Amy
33. Visit my friends more – Hi Charlotte and Alex!
34. Continue to challenge my anxiety and depression (say yes more)
35. Go to Japan
36. Cuddle: a chimpanzee, Koala bear, panda cub
37. Take out time to be alone
38. Learn about self-care in all aspects
39. Try fresh oysters with my brother
40. Go to the great barrier reef
41. Join a writers club
42. Attend networking events
43. Start going to concerts again
44. Read 2 books a month – minimum
45. Start bullet journaling 
46. Surf in Cornwall 
47. Visit Egypt
48. Use 23andme
49. Have my palm read
50. Join a book club.

These are not the only things I want to do in my lifetime, but I think it’s a pretty good start, I would love to hear your bucket list. Comment below or follow me here on Twitter or on Instagram.

For now,

Love from,
Mavis

2

Greetings and Salutations

Dear friends,

I’m writing this in the style of a letter because I like to imagine we’re pen pals. You’ve received an envelope in the morning post, opening it over breakfast or on your way to work/college/school, it’s a note from me introducing myself for the first time. An idea I got from the Stephen Chbosky novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

So you can call me Mavis, it’s not my real name of course but a blog called Project Hannah didn’t exactly have the same ring to it, a nickname given to me by my older sister. I’m twenty-eight-years-old, currently living with my mum in a farming village in the south-east of England, working part-time in a local pub in the town over from me. Like a lot of people, whether my age or not, my life has not exactly gone in the direction I had planned. When I was young I thought I would be: living in my own flat in the city, maybe working my way up in a publishing company, having reached my goal weight and finishing yet another novel.

Instead, I’m overweight, sitting on my mum’s sofa in my pyjamas, with several unfinished books on my laptop and wondering where all the time went. I have a good life in other parts, with: a roof over my head, great friends, the best family and a job that doesn’t make me cry. It’s just...I want more. I want to look back when I’m old, obviously getting up to mischief in the retirement village, being able to think over my life and say “I tried my best and lived it well”. Nothing too extravagant...just enough.

With that in mind, today on the 13^th of April 2018, I sat and wrote down the first 20 things I wanted to change and achieve in the next few years. Vowing to make myself my own personal project. Simple things like: learn how to drive, travel, lose weight, start and maintain a blog. If you are in the same boat and fancy reading along please subscribe. Write back to me in the comments or follow me on my social media profiles. For now,

Love From,

Mavis x 

0