Avengers: Infinity war, Adoption & PCOS

Dear Friends,

It’s been two weeks since I’ve started writing letters to you all and over that time something unexpected has happened. I’ve been consistently happier an unpredicted but welcome feeling. I’m also pretty excited as I write this, in about three hours; I’m going to see Avengers: Infinity War with (blog regular) Hannah and our other friend Daryl. However, this is not going to be a love letter to Thor or about how much I want to hug Groot. If you guys want me to review it leave a comment. Today, as always, is going to be about the future. Specifically number 5 of my bucket list, which is “Adopt a child by 35”, one of the core reasons I decided to change the path of my life.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, if you were to present me with my child right now I’d be ready, although certainly nowhere where I want to be in life but I’d make it work. At the age of fourteen, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, PCOS for short, which has a detrimental effect on my hormones and downsizes the chances of having a biological child. This might be a little TMI but: I have had one period this year (irregular at that), I grow a lot of facial hair, I have thinning hair and it makes it difficult to lose weight. In all, it sucks and isn’t the greatest when it comes to body positivity.

Throughout my journey with fertility issues I came to a realisation, a personal choice that comes with no judgement of other people’s decision, which is having a biological child doesn’t matter to me. I want to be able to make a child happier, feel stable and loved. Not for them to just rotate in and out of foster care until they are deemed “too old” for adoption. In truth I want to adopt more than one, however, that is my goal for now, to be in a position to provide a good home for them.

As I write this I wonder if my son or daughter has already been born, or one day they will find this post and read it. If you are my future child/children I just want to say, as I write this, I love you already and I can’t wait for us to meet each other. I don’t know your story yet, what happened or what your birth family is like, but I wanted you more than words can say. Although I have regrets in my life, you will never ever be one of them and you continue to make me proud. Your nanny is excited to take you on adventures and spoil you. “It’s a nanny’s perogative”- she said.

With that I’m going to end this letter here, if you are new welcome, you can find translate on the sidebar if your first language is not English. You can also find me here on twitter and here for Instagram.

As always,

Love from

Mavis x    

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Updates & Depression

Dear friends,

In the past ten days, since I posted my first letter on Project Mavis, a few things have happened: I went to the gym today, I lost 3lbs, sent a job application to a publishing house and attempted to make sushi with my friend Amy. Who took the very beautiful photo of the sushi ingredients and you can follow her Instagram here. Finally the little community we built has reached over 700 views!

Over the past few days I’ve been more honest with the people I know, about subjects I felt ashamed by, one of which was about mental health and my experiences with it. Which is what I want to talk to you about today, as feeling shame about a disease (invisible to the eye or not) is something I shouldn’t have felt, or you either.  

In 2014 I moved to London, shortly after a bereavement, wanting to start my life afresh (in hindsight I was probably running away). I got job at well known cinema and was later moved to a coffee shop concession due to my hard work. I loved it. I can’t pinpoint a moment in time when depression started intruding in my life, it crept up on me slowly, I was tired all the time and would routinely begin crying for no reason. I do remember being in a house wares store, walking happily along with my trolley, a moment later feeling like I was dying. I was experiencing my first panic attack, with strangers around me, wishing there was a magic door to transport me to my mother.

A little further into the year I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I remember feeling so weak, angry I would have to take medication and start a course of therapy. Eventually stopping both of these, without the consent of the doctor and all at once. An action that caused my emotional levels to plummet and led to a short visit to a psychiatric facility. NEVER STOP YOUR MEDICATION WITHOUT SPEAKING TO YOUR DOCTOR!

I had attempted my own life, after having a particularly good day, scared of what the next day would bring. I distinctly remember being more upset about being in hospital than the actions I had taken. Realising how bad I had allowed myself to become, the exhaustion and the work ahead of me. The worst moment seeing the scared look on my mother’s face. The next few years were hard work and still be can be. However there has not been a day since that I am not greatful I was unsuccessful on that night. Imagine all the things would have missed, the friends I wouldn’t have made and the family I would have Left.

If you are having concerns, about your own mental health or a loved one, check out the nhs link below. If you are from another country please leave the crisis line to your country in the comments.

Love from,

Mavis x

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

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The Bucket List

Dear Friends,

This letter is going to be a little longer than most, it’s basically a bit of a mind dump of ideas, so make sure you’ve been to the toilet and grabbed yourself a drink. The day I’m writing this the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth, the weather has gotten a little colder and it marks the day Project Mavis hit 500-page visits. A number I thought I would maybe hit by the end of the year, I’m filled with gratitude and want to thank you all for taking time to read my letters.

If you read my first post “Greetings and Salutations”, which you can find here, you will know that the idea behind the site is learning to be brave. A place I can honestly talk about the things I want to change in my life, challenge myself and hopefully interact with like-minded people. The subject of Project Mavis came up the other day; I was sitting in the park with Hannah and Cerri (two of my best friends), talking about the list I created. That, quite honestly, was not exactly measurable or really the challenge that I needed. That day, after changing into my pyjamas as the home is where the bra isn’t, I started to write a bucket list. These are the first 50 things that popped into my head.

The Bucket List

1. A healthy weight for my height (between 104lbs and 135)
2. Learn to drive and buy a car by January 2019
3. Break into publishing by the end of 2018
4. Move out of mum’s by September 2019
5. Adopt a child by 35
6. Give blood this year
7. Register as an organ donor 
8. Become certified in BSL level 1 
9. Take up roller derby
10. Learn how to snowboard 
11. Trek the Inca trail to Machu Picchu (Cerri I’m looking at you)
12. Ride in a hot air balloon in Bristol
13. Reconnect with some old friends
14. Climb table mountain
15. Actually, use my gym membership
16. Travel more with my sister Charlotte (Belgium in November!)
17. Go New York and visit the tourist destinations – flip off the Trump Tower 
18. Start dating
19. Finish a novel this year
20. Swim with manatees 
21. Go tornado chasing
22. Visit NASA – with my mum the OG nerd
23. See the Northern Lights
24. Celebrate The Day of the Dead in Mexico
25. Dress for now – not when I lose weight
26. Seek Cognitive behavioural therapy
27. Complete a full makeover
28. Learn how to play guitar
29. Go on a road trip with Josh and Amy (two of my favourite trolls)
30. Live in Vienna for a year
31. Learn how to cook Japanese cuisine 
32. Skydive – Hannah/Cerri/Amy
33. Visit my friends more – Hi Charlotte and Alex!
34. Continue to challenge my anxiety and depression (say yes more)
35. Go to Japan
36. Cuddle: a chimpanzee, Koala bear, panda cub
37. Take out time to be alone
38. Learn about self-care in all aspects
39. Try fresh oysters with my brother
40. Go to the great barrier reef
41. Join a writers club
42. Attend networking events
43. Start going to concerts again
44. Read 2 books a month – minimum
45. Start bullet journaling 
46. Surf in Cornwall 
47. Visit Egypt
48. Use 23andme
49. Have my palm read
50. Join a book club.

These are not the only things I want to do in my lifetime, but I think it’s a pretty good start, I would love to hear your bucket list. Comment below or follow me here on Twitter or on Instagram.

For now,

Love from,
Mavis

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A Weighty Problem

Dear Friends,

I’ve decided to write your letter outside today, it feels like summer has finally arrived in the UK, I’m sitting in the garden with a pint of water and eating dried apricots. Despite the beautiful weather I’m feeling a little nervous, even though I knew I’d have to approach this subject at some point, today I want to talk about my weight. Number 1 on my Grand to do List, which you can find here, is to reach my goal weight. At the moment I weigh 21stone 5lbs or 301lbs/136kg, which at 5’2 is nowhere close to what I should weigh for my height, which is certainly not the greatest of numbers.

I remember weighing myself in Boots, seeing the number, my stomach dropping and my cheeks burning red with embarrassment. I felt so ashamed, suddenly aware of how my body moved, realising what I had done to my small frame. I was numb from shock, wondering how I had let it get so far and feeling so scared by the work ahead of me. I could write thousands of excuses here but the reality is I did this to myself – no one else.

 

The fact of the matter is yes I am fat, that isn’t going to change overnight, not matter how hard I wish it to be different. It’s going to take a lot of: hard work, time and patience. It would be a lie to say I’m not daunted by that, because of course I am, but I’m ready to not be overweight anymore.

For now,

Love from

Mavis x
 
P.S Follow me on Instagram here or Twitter here

 

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Greetings and Salutations

Dear friends,

I’m writing this in the style of a letter because I like to imagine we’re pen pals. You’ve received an envelope in the morning post, opening it over breakfast or on your way to work/college/school, it’s a note from me introducing myself for the first time. An idea I got from the Stephen Chbosky novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

So you can call me Mavis, it’s not my real name of course but a blog called Project Hannah didn’t exactly have the same ring to it, a nickname given to me by my older sister. I’m twenty-eight-years-old, currently living with my mum in a farming village in the south-east of England, working part-time in a local pub in the town over from me. Like a lot of people, whether my age or not, my life has not exactly gone in the direction I had planned. When I was young I thought I would be: living in my own flat in the city, maybe working my way up in a publishing company, having reached my goal weight and finishing yet another novel.

Instead, I’m overweight, sitting on my mum’s sofa in my pyjamas, with several unfinished books on my laptop and wondering where all the time went. I have a good life in other parts, with: a roof over my head, great friends, the best family and a job that doesn’t make me cry. It’s just...I want more. I want to look back when I’m old, obviously getting up to mischief in the retirement village, being able to think over my life and say “I tried my best and lived it well”. Nothing too extravagant...just enough.

With that in mind, today on the 13^th of April 2018, I sat and wrote down the first 20 things I wanted to change and achieve in the next few years. Vowing to make myself my own personal project. Simple things like: learn how to drive, travel, lose weight, start and maintain a blog. If you are in the same boat and fancy reading along please subscribe. Write back to me in the comments or follow me on my social media profiles. For now,

Love From,

Mavis x 

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